Just to preface: I am on my path to a great discovery. I've had the most intense depression to affect me in almost 10 years, I'm considering the idea that I might have a borderline personality disorder. If not, it's something very close to it and regardless of the diagnosis, I have a lot of work ahead of me if I want to live.
Today is one of the first days that I haven't felt the weight of existing crushing me. Very often there is a dialogue in my head, it confuses me and tells me the truth in such a way that it will appear to me as a lie or vice versa leaving me confused about what to believe and never really trusting anything. This morning when I closed my eyes a lighter version of that dialogue manifested itself with images (which is rare- unless I am trying to sleep and then the images switch and flip and don't match the dialogue) and I decided to share it because it made me laugh (which never happens).
I saw myself sat at a bistro table with no one in the other chair having a cup of tea, hovering above the intersection of Russell and College Avenues just as a bus was at it's stop to load passengers with traffic behind it.
I glanced over at the bus stopped, it's doors were open, no passengers coming in, none going out. No one even on the sidewalk or behind the steering wheels of the cars waiting to pass. Suddenly I began to speak, "Do you know what Monotional means?" Very calmly and sternly a voice replied, "yes, it's when a bicycle is suspended in a block of ice in an intersection. "
I accepted this answer as the truth and glanced back at the bus. It was still running with no one coming or going but in front of it, in the cross walk was a bicycle, suspended in a large block of ice blocking any potential of passing traffic.
And then I woke up.
Monotional. Totally.
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